Archive for September, 2008
shep3510 asked:
I don’t pay for the service so I can’t contact women. I just want to give them information so they can talk to me. Yahoo personals always blocks my attempts and I want to sneak some info in. please help.
I don’t pay for the service so I can’t contact women. I just want to give them information so they can talk to me. Yahoo personals always blocks my attempts and I want to sneak some info in. please help.
Jason Kay asked:
Writing a graduate school personal statement can be a daunting and difficult task. In a graduate school personal statement you are selling yourself and trying to let the admissions representatives know WHY you should be chosen over other qualified applicants. This can be even more daunting when you realize that between two to five people at the School will be reviewing your statement – YOURS needs to stand out from the crowd while also addressing the criteria and questions the school has outlined.
If you are applying to several different schools using one generic statement will be easily recognized and just as easily dismissed. WHY – because you will be seen as not making an effort sell yourself to this particular school, low effort equals low interest to admissions representatives. Remember the admission committee will likely view thousands of these statements from qualified candidates and they will spot a weakness, flaw or lack of attention to the process in a heartbeat. What you don’t want to do is give this committee an easy excuse to dismiss your statement and application.
In talking to Admissions Representatives across the country, there is one aspect of a personal statement they all agree on – BE YOURSELF and let them get a feel for the type of person you really are. This includes your motivations and the ability to evaluate your personal experiences and the effect they had on you. If you can understand that 8 out of 10 personal statements fail to do this, then you are well on your way to being 1 of the 2 applicants in every 10 that stands out.
The first step in preparing your Graduate School personal statement
Take the time to research and understand the doctrine and mission of the school, this will be intrinsically reflected in your writing and prove you are addressing your statement to this particular School. However, do not parrot their own information back to them – they already know it and this leads away from helping understand YOU. Understanding the audience for your statement will help you to develop compelling content that grabs their attention.
Next ensure that you understand the requirements for your statement or essay including:
? Format
? Word limit
? Questions to be answered
If you miss any of the above, your application will already be short-changed. Word limits are fixed and if you can imagine yourself with the job of reading thousands of applications, you can understand why. Not answering any of the questions will give your application a one way ticket to the rejection pile. This will also help with the next step planning.
Planning your Personal Statement
Planning not only gives you an outline to work to, it also helps avoided the dreaded writers block. Chances are you have already had to plan and write many essays to get to this point, don’t be complacent and skip this step as it may lead to omitting either required or useful information. Planning can also ensure that you don’t give yourself room to babble or write a novel instead of a 500 word essay.
Planning Part A
Flesh out the information you can provide including your experience/motivations. Writing prompts will give you cues for the content when you hit the writing stage. Here are some questions that you could use to formulate information:
1. Who do I really think I am? Who do others think I am? (include characteristics and skills e.g. loyal, hardworking, born leader, attention to detail)
2. What has caused changes to who I am over the years? How have I grown as a person and what caused these changes or growth? How did these experiences affect me?
3. What makes me unique? This is an extremely hard question to ask ourselves without filling in cliché’s. This is a great time for honesty and self reflection to kick in. You may in reality be like a lot of other people; however, no two people experience the same thing in the same way with the same results. Here is one of the great answers I have enjoyed in the past “Yes, I am unique, just like everybody else.” add a BUT on to that and I am sure it will get you thinking. If you’re really stuck it is time to do the trusted colleagues, friends and family survey – you might be surprised with what comes up.
4. What in my past did I have to overcome to be where I am today? Can I relate these experiences to my goals for the future or my motivation?
5. Who are my influencers and role models and why? Remember these don’t have to be famous people; they could be a neighbor, sibling or your parents.
6. What are my career goals? Why do I want to continue my studies? When and why am I interested in my chosen field of study? How has this shaped me so far and what has it taught me about myself?
7. Are there weaknesses in my application? Do I have gaps or inconsistencies on my academic records that I can explain?
8. What are the strengths of my application? Do I have awards, recommendations or honors that are relevant which I should mention?
9. Field experience:
a. Internships and jobs relevant to my field of study including skills learned and experience gained
b. Has my field experience prepared me for my future career – how so?
c. What social services/volunteer programs have I been involved in? What did these teach me in general and about myself? Did these relate to my field of study?
d. What extracurricular activities have I been involved in and have they contributed to my studies or professional goals?
These seem like a lot of questions, in essence they develop the background to the information you will actually put in your statement and answers to any questions. Answering these questions keep you on track to keeping your personal statement PERSONAL. Look for common denominators in the answers you have written, this may help formulate a theme or connection you can build into your personal statement.
Planning Part B and launching into your first draft
Planning the structure of your essay and allotting your own word limits to each part give you a framework in which to develop the content. Naturally, there are three main parts introduction, body and conclusion. From the notes you have made previously along with the questions you need to answer, this is where you condense your prompts to fit each of the three sections. Relevance, power to support your application and evidence of who you are is what you are looking for.
1. Your introduction and even your first sentence are the most important part of your personal statement. This is where you can grab the attention of the admissions representative. Make your first sentence unique and compelling. It is recommended that you state in a creative way WHY you want to undertake this field of study in your first sentence. The rest of your introduction should provide a brief explanation that supports this first statement. Divide the word limit by the three parts of your personal statement by allocating your introduction around 30%.
2. The body of your personal statement is going to be hard work – you need to use around 50% of your word limit to give the admission representatives concrete evidence of why you stand out from the crowd in this application process. The body is also where you will be answering questions and giving examples of experience and affects of experience. Answers and evidence need to keep reflecting who YOU really are. If you’re struggling to keep under the word limit, allocate each question a word limit as well.
3. Now you are looking at the remaining 20% of your word limit being your conclusion. Percentages may vary if larger word limits are being offered. Ensure you state why you are interested in this field of study; state the key points from the body of your essay (e.g. accomplishments, experience and interest). Ensure that you keep it brief, to the point and leave out the clichés. Just as you started your personal statement with an attention grabber, make sure you finish your personal statement with one or two sentences that are positive and leave the reader remembering your statement while they are reading the next few.
TIP: As this is a personal statement it is acceptable to write in the first person
Reviewing your Graduate School personal statement
Skip this stage and you are heading for rejection. Very few people write perfectly the first time and if you run out of time to do this stage, then you are leaving your application short.
1. Check for grammar, punctuation and spelling. If you’re not confident about these aspects then ask someone you can trust or hire a professional to check the personal statement.
2. Review your statement and ask these questions:
a. Have I answered the questions required?
b. Have I put forward the best examples of experiences and effects that are relevant to my field of study or who I am?
c. Have I effectively answered the main question here – Why should the Graduate School accept me over my fellow applicant?
d. Does this statement reflect who I really am or do I sound like a “too good to be true” parrot?
e. Would I fall asleep if I had to read this or would it grab my attention?
f. Have I let my sense of humor get carried away? Do I sound too opinionated or extreme in my views?
g. Have I addressed any weaknesses I have e.g. low GPA or LSAT?
3. Check for logical flow and paragraph transition which make the statement strong and easily read.
4. Read the personal statement over – if you need to read any of the sentences twice, and then re-structure them. Have I left myself too short on an important area and too long in another? Cut and chop away until you know that this statement is strong, logical and captures the attention of the reader. If you step over a platitude or cliché – remove and find another way. At the same time – give yourself a limit of how many reviews you will do, otherwise you will keep chopping and changing losing the essence of what you are writing.
5. Lastly, peer review – a person or people you can trust to be brutally honest and who knows you well. Preferably someone who also understands that this personal statement is for admission to graduate school. Get several people to give you a boredom rating along with a rating of whether or not you have truly reflected who you are.
Finally, remember to do review steps 1, 2 and 3 after each revision to ensure you have not lost your way. Making your graduate school personal statement interesting and stand out from the crowd is a matter of understanding what you can really offer and who you really are. If there are weaknesses to your application at least ensure that you try to explain them as well as stating your strengths and experience.
Writing a graduate school personal statement can be a daunting and difficult task. In a graduate school personal statement you are selling yourself and trying to let the admissions representatives know WHY you should be chosen over other qualified applicants. This can be even more daunting when you realize that between two to five people at the School will be reviewing your statement – YOURS needs to stand out from the crowd while also addressing the criteria and questions the school has outlined.
If you are applying to several different schools using one generic statement will be easily recognized and just as easily dismissed. WHY – because you will be seen as not making an effort sell yourself to this particular school, low effort equals low interest to admissions representatives. Remember the admission committee will likely view thousands of these statements from qualified candidates and they will spot a weakness, flaw or lack of attention to the process in a heartbeat. What you don’t want to do is give this committee an easy excuse to dismiss your statement and application.
In talking to Admissions Representatives across the country, there is one aspect of a personal statement they all agree on – BE YOURSELF and let them get a feel for the type of person you really are. This includes your motivations and the ability to evaluate your personal experiences and the effect they had on you. If you can understand that 8 out of 10 personal statements fail to do this, then you are well on your way to being 1 of the 2 applicants in every 10 that stands out.
The first step in preparing your Graduate School personal statement
Take the time to research and understand the doctrine and mission of the school, this will be intrinsically reflected in your writing and prove you are addressing your statement to this particular School. However, do not parrot their own information back to them – they already know it and this leads away from helping understand YOU. Understanding the audience for your statement will help you to develop compelling content that grabs their attention.
Next ensure that you understand the requirements for your statement or essay including:
? Format
? Word limit
? Questions to be answered
If you miss any of the above, your application will already be short-changed. Word limits are fixed and if you can imagine yourself with the job of reading thousands of applications, you can understand why. Not answering any of the questions will give your application a one way ticket to the rejection pile. This will also help with the next step planning.
Planning your Personal Statement
Planning not only gives you an outline to work to, it also helps avoided the dreaded writers block. Chances are you have already had to plan and write many essays to get to this point, don’t be complacent and skip this step as it may lead to omitting either required or useful information. Planning can also ensure that you don’t give yourself room to babble or write a novel instead of a 500 word essay.
Planning Part A
Flesh out the information you can provide including your experience/motivations. Writing prompts will give you cues for the content when you hit the writing stage. Here are some questions that you could use to formulate information:
1. Who do I really think I am? Who do others think I am? (include characteristics and skills e.g. loyal, hardworking, born leader, attention to detail)
2. What has caused changes to who I am over the years? How have I grown as a person and what caused these changes or growth? How did these experiences affect me?
3. What makes me unique? This is an extremely hard question to ask ourselves without filling in cliché’s. This is a great time for honesty and self reflection to kick in. You may in reality be like a lot of other people; however, no two people experience the same thing in the same way with the same results. Here is one of the great answers I have enjoyed in the past “Yes, I am unique, just like everybody else.” add a BUT on to that and I am sure it will get you thinking. If you’re really stuck it is time to do the trusted colleagues, friends and family survey – you might be surprised with what comes up.
4. What in my past did I have to overcome to be where I am today? Can I relate these experiences to my goals for the future or my motivation?
5. Who are my influencers and role models and why? Remember these don’t have to be famous people; they could be a neighbor, sibling or your parents.
6. What are my career goals? Why do I want to continue my studies? When and why am I interested in my chosen field of study? How has this shaped me so far and what has it taught me about myself?
7. Are there weaknesses in my application? Do I have gaps or inconsistencies on my academic records that I can explain?
8. What are the strengths of my application? Do I have awards, recommendations or honors that are relevant which I should mention?
9. Field experience:
a. Internships and jobs relevant to my field of study including skills learned and experience gained
b. Has my field experience prepared me for my future career – how so?
c. What social services/volunteer programs have I been involved in? What did these teach me in general and about myself? Did these relate to my field of study?
d. What extracurricular activities have I been involved in and have they contributed to my studies or professional goals?
These seem like a lot of questions, in essence they develop the background to the information you will actually put in your statement and answers to any questions. Answering these questions keep you on track to keeping your personal statement PERSONAL. Look for common denominators in the answers you have written, this may help formulate a theme or connection you can build into your personal statement.
Planning Part B and launching into your first draft
Planning the structure of your essay and allotting your own word limits to each part give you a framework in which to develop the content. Naturally, there are three main parts introduction, body and conclusion. From the notes you have made previously along with the questions you need to answer, this is where you condense your prompts to fit each of the three sections. Relevance, power to support your application and evidence of who you are is what you are looking for.
1. Your introduction and even your first sentence are the most important part of your personal statement. This is where you can grab the attention of the admissions representative. Make your first sentence unique and compelling. It is recommended that you state in a creative way WHY you want to undertake this field of study in your first sentence. The rest of your introduction should provide a brief explanation that supports this first statement. Divide the word limit by the three parts of your personal statement by allocating your introduction around 30%.
2. The body of your personal statement is going to be hard work – you need to use around 50% of your word limit to give the admission representatives concrete evidence of why you stand out from the crowd in this application process. The body is also where you will be answering questions and giving examples of experience and affects of experience. Answers and evidence need to keep reflecting who YOU really are. If you’re struggling to keep under the word limit, allocate each question a word limit as well.
3. Now you are looking at the remaining 20% of your word limit being your conclusion. Percentages may vary if larger word limits are being offered. Ensure you state why you are interested in this field of study; state the key points from the body of your essay (e.g. accomplishments, experience and interest). Ensure that you keep it brief, to the point and leave out the clichés. Just as you started your personal statement with an attention grabber, make sure you finish your personal statement with one or two sentences that are positive and leave the reader remembering your statement while they are reading the next few.
TIP: As this is a personal statement it is acceptable to write in the first person
Reviewing your Graduate School personal statement
Skip this stage and you are heading for rejection. Very few people write perfectly the first time and if you run out of time to do this stage, then you are leaving your application short.
1. Check for grammar, punctuation and spelling. If you’re not confident about these aspects then ask someone you can trust or hire a professional to check the personal statement.
2. Review your statement and ask these questions:
a. Have I answered the questions required?
b. Have I put forward the best examples of experiences and effects that are relevant to my field of study or who I am?
c. Have I effectively answered the main question here – Why should the Graduate School accept me over my fellow applicant?
d. Does this statement reflect who I really am or do I sound like a “too good to be true” parrot?
e. Would I fall asleep if I had to read this or would it grab my attention?
f. Have I let my sense of humor get carried away? Do I sound too opinionated or extreme in my views?
g. Have I addressed any weaknesses I have e.g. low GPA or LSAT?
3. Check for logical flow and paragraph transition which make the statement strong and easily read.
4. Read the personal statement over – if you need to read any of the sentences twice, and then re-structure them. Have I left myself too short on an important area and too long in another? Cut and chop away until you know that this statement is strong, logical and captures the attention of the reader. If you step over a platitude or cliché – remove and find another way. At the same time – give yourself a limit of how many reviews you will do, otherwise you will keep chopping and changing losing the essence of what you are writing.
5. Lastly, peer review – a person or people you can trust to be brutally honest and who knows you well. Preferably someone who also understands that this personal statement is for admission to graduate school. Get several people to give you a boredom rating along with a rating of whether or not you have truly reflected who you are.
Finally, remember to do review steps 1, 2 and 3 after each revision to ensure you have not lost your way. Making your graduate school personal statement interesting and stand out from the crowd is a matter of understanding what you can really offer and who you really are. If there are weaknesses to your application at least ensure that you try to explain them as well as stating your strengths and experience.
Gray Smith asked:
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Inkaico01 asked:
Soda Estereo – Nada Personal
Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. asked:
I was first exposed to the concept of personality disorders in 1980 when I was in training as a therapist at the San Diego Child Guidance Clinic at Childrens Hospital. The DSM-III had just come out and Axis II of the five diagnostic categories required the therapist to diagnose the presence or absence of a personality disorder. (The current DSM-IV uses the same approach.) I quickly learned (often the hard way) that the presenting problems on Axis I (e.g. depression, substance abuse) were simply replaced by new ones, if an underlying personality disorder was not addressed in therapy.
Now that I have completed several years as a family law attorney, I have frequently witnessed the same underlying issues in hotly contested family court litigation — yet these remain undiagnosed and, therefore, misunderstood. As those with personality disorders generally view relationships from a rigid and adversarial perspective, it is inevitable that a large number end up in the adversarial process of court. Since more flexible and cost-conscious people nowadays are resolving their divorces in mediation, attorney-assisted negotiation, or just by themselves, those cases remaining in litigation may be increasingly driven by personality disorders.
The Nature of a Personality Disorder
Someone with a personality disorder is usually a person experiencing chronic inner distress (for example fear of abandonment), which causes self-sabotaging behavior (such as seeking others who fear abandonment), which causes significant problems (such as rage at any perceived hint of abandonment) — in their work lives and/or their personal lives. They may function quite well in one setting, but experience chaos and repeated problems in others. They look no different from anyone else, and often present as very attractive and intelligent people. However, it is usually after you spend some time together — or observe them in a crisis — that the underlying distress reaches the surface.
As interpersonal distress, fear of abandonment, and an excessive need for control are predominant symptoms of personality disorders, they place a tremendous burden on a marriage. Therefore, intense conflicts will eventually arise in their marriages and the divorce process will also be a very conflictual process. In contrast to people who are simply distressed from going through a divorce (over 80% are recovering significantly after 2 years), people with personality disorders grew up very distressed. It is the long duration of their dysfunction (since adolescence or early adulthood) which meets the criteria of a personality disorder.
Usually they developed their personality style as a way of coping with childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment, an emotionally lacking household, or simply their biological predisposition. While this personality style may have been an effective adaptation in their “family of origin,” in adulthood it is counter-productive. The person remains stuck repeating a narrow range of interpersonal behaviors to attempt to avoid this distress.
A personality disorder does not usually go away except in a corrective on-going relationship — such as several years in a counseling relationship. Until then, the person may constantly seek a corrective experience through a series of unsatisfying relationships, through their children, or through the court process. In a sense, untreated personality disorders don’t fade away — they just change venue.
Personality Disorders Appearing in Family Court
Probably the most prevalent personality disorder in family court is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) — more commonly seen in women. BPD may be characterized by wide mood swings, intense anger even at benign events, idealization (such as of their spouse — or attorney) followed by devaluation (such as of their spouse — or attorney).
Also common is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) — more often seen in men. There is a great preoccupation with the self to the exclusion of others. This may be the vulnerable type, which can appear similar to BPD, causing distorted perceptions of victimization followed by intense anger (such as in domestic violence or murder, for example the San Diego case of Betty Broderick). Or this can be the invulnerable type, who is detached, believes he is very superior and feels automatically entitled to special treatment.
Histrionic Personality Disorder also appears in family court, and may have similarities to BPD but with less anger and more chaos. Anti-social Personality Disorder includes an extreme disregard for the rules of society and very little empathy. (A large part of the prison population may have Anti-social Personality Disorder.)
Dependent Personality Disorder is common, but usually is preoccupied with helplessness and passivity, and is rarely the aggressor in court — but often marries a more aggressive spouse, sometimes with a personality disorder.
Cognitive Distortions and False Statement
Because of their history of distress, those with personality disorders perceive the world as a much more threatening place than most people do. Therefore, their perceptions of other people’s behavior is often distorted — and in some cases delusional. Their world view is generally adversarial, so they often see all people as either allies or enemies in it. Their thinking is often dominated by cognitive distortions, such as: all-or-nothing thinking, emotional reasoning, personalization of benign events, minimization of the positive and maximization of the negative. They may form very inaccurate beliefs about the other person, but cling rigidly to those beliefs when they are challenged — because being challenged is usually perceived as a threat.
People with personality disorders also appear more likely to make false statements. Because of the thought process of a personality disorder, the person experiences interpersonal rejection or confrontation much more deeply than most people. Therefore the person has great difficulty healing and may remain stuck in the denial stage, the depression stage, or the anger stage of grief — avoiding acceptance by trying to change or control the other person.
Lying may be justified in their eyes — possibly to bring a reconciliation. (This can be quite convoluted, like the former wife who alleged child sexual abuse so that her ex-husband’s new wife would divorce him and he would return to her — or so she seemed to believe.) Or lying may be justified as a punishment in their eyes. Just as we have seen that an angry spouse may kill the other spouse, it is not surprising that many angry spouses lie under oath. There is rarely any consequence for this, as family court judges often believe the truth cannot be known — or that both are lying.
Projection
Just as an active alcoholic or addict blames others for their substance abuse, those with personality disorders are often preoccupied with other people’s behavior while avoiding any examination of their own behavior. Just as a movie projector throws a large image on a screen from a hidden booth, those with personality disorders project their internal conflicts onto their daily interactions — usually without knowing it. All the world is a stage — including court.
It is not uncommon in family court declarations for one with a personality disorder to claim the other party has characteristics which are really their own (“he’s manipulative and falsely charming” or “she’s hiding information and delaying the process”), and do not fit the other party. Spousal abusers claim the other is being abusive. Liars claim the other is lying. (One man who knew he was diagnosed with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder claimed his wife also had an NPD simply because she liked to shop.)
How Family Court Fits Personality Disorders
Family Court is perfectly suited to the fantasies of someone with a personality disorder: There is an all-powerful person (the judge) who will punish or control the other spouse. The focus of the court process is perceived as fixing blame — and many with personality disorders are experts at blame. There is a professional ally who will champion their cause (their attorney — or if no attorney, the judge). A case is properly prepared by gathering statements from allies — family, friends, and professionals. (Seeking to gain the allegiance of the children is automatic — they too are seen as either allies or enemies. A simple admonition will not stop this.) Generally, those with personality disorders are highly skilled at — and invested in — the adversarial process.
Those with personality disorders often have an intensity that convinces inexperienced professionals — counselors and attorneys — that what they say is true. Their charm, desperation, and drive can reach a high level in this very emotional, bonding process with the professional. Yet this intensity is a characteristic of a personality disorder, and is completely independent from the accuracy of their claims.
What Can Be Done
Judges, attorneys, and family court counselors need to be trained in identifying personality disorders and how to treat them. Mostly, a corrective on-going relationship is needed — preferably with a counselor. However, they usually must be ordered into this because their belief systems include a life-time of denial and avoidance of self-reflection.
Some courts may order up to one year of counseling for parents, if: “(1) The dispute between the parents or between a parent and the child poses a substantial danger to the best interest of the child. [or] (2)The counseling is in the best interest of the child.” Even short-term counseling can help.
Therapists, in addition to being supportive, need to help clients challenge their own thinking: about their own role in the dispute; about the accuracy of their view of the other party; and about their high expectations of the court. Further, therapists should never form clinical opinions or write declarations about parties they haven’t interviewed.
Likewise, attorneys need to also challenge their clients’ thinking and not accept their declarations at face value. More time should be spent educating them to focus on negotiating solutions, rather than escalating blame. The court should make greater use of sanctions under Family Code Section 271 for parties and attorneys who refuse to negotiate and unnecessarily escalate the conflict and costs of litigation.
The court must realize that the parties are often not equally at fault. One or both parties may have a personality disorder, but that does not necessarily mean both are offenders (violent, manipulative, or lying). A non-offending, dependent spouse may truly need the court’s assistance in dealing with the offender. The court should not be neutralized by mutual allegations without looking deeper. Otherwise, because of their personality style, the most offending party is often able to continue their offender behavior — either by matching the other’s true allegations for a neutral outcome, or by being the most skilled at briefly looking good and thereby receiving the court’s endorsement.
The court is in a unique position to motivate needed change in personal behavior. In highly contested cases, counseling or consequences should be ordered. Professionals and parties must work together to fully diagnose and treat each person’s underlying problems, rather than allowing the parties (and their advocates) to become absorbed in an endless adversarial process. Because their largest issues are internal, they will never be resolved in court.
Bill Eddy’s website is www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
I was first exposed to the concept of personality disorders in 1980 when I was in training as a therapist at the San Diego Child Guidance Clinic at Childrens Hospital. The DSM-III had just come out and Axis II of the five diagnostic categories required the therapist to diagnose the presence or absence of a personality disorder. (The current DSM-IV uses the same approach.) I quickly learned (often the hard way) that the presenting problems on Axis I (e.g. depression, substance abuse) were simply replaced by new ones, if an underlying personality disorder was not addressed in therapy.
Now that I have completed several years as a family law attorney, I have frequently witnessed the same underlying issues in hotly contested family court litigation — yet these remain undiagnosed and, therefore, misunderstood. As those with personality disorders generally view relationships from a rigid and adversarial perspective, it is inevitable that a large number end up in the adversarial process of court. Since more flexible and cost-conscious people nowadays are resolving their divorces in mediation, attorney-assisted negotiation, or just by themselves, those cases remaining in litigation may be increasingly driven by personality disorders.
The Nature of a Personality Disorder
Someone with a personality disorder is usually a person experiencing chronic inner distress (for example fear of abandonment), which causes self-sabotaging behavior (such as seeking others who fear abandonment), which causes significant problems (such as rage at any perceived hint of abandonment) — in their work lives and/or their personal lives. They may function quite well in one setting, but experience chaos and repeated problems in others. They look no different from anyone else, and often present as very attractive and intelligent people. However, it is usually after you spend some time together — or observe them in a crisis — that the underlying distress reaches the surface.
As interpersonal distress, fear of abandonment, and an excessive need for control are predominant symptoms of personality disorders, they place a tremendous burden on a marriage. Therefore, intense conflicts will eventually arise in their marriages and the divorce process will also be a very conflictual process. In contrast to people who are simply distressed from going through a divorce (over 80% are recovering significantly after 2 years), people with personality disorders grew up very distressed. It is the long duration of their dysfunction (since adolescence or early adulthood) which meets the criteria of a personality disorder.
Usually they developed their personality style as a way of coping with childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment, an emotionally lacking household, or simply their biological predisposition. While this personality style may have been an effective adaptation in their “family of origin,” in adulthood it is counter-productive. The person remains stuck repeating a narrow range of interpersonal behaviors to attempt to avoid this distress.
A personality disorder does not usually go away except in a corrective on-going relationship — such as several years in a counseling relationship. Until then, the person may constantly seek a corrective experience through a series of unsatisfying relationships, through their children, or through the court process. In a sense, untreated personality disorders don’t fade away — they just change venue.
Personality Disorders Appearing in Family Court
Probably the most prevalent personality disorder in family court is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) — more commonly seen in women. BPD may be characterized by wide mood swings, intense anger even at benign events, idealization (such as of their spouse — or attorney) followed by devaluation (such as of their spouse — or attorney).
Also common is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) — more often seen in men. There is a great preoccupation with the self to the exclusion of others. This may be the vulnerable type, which can appear similar to BPD, causing distorted perceptions of victimization followed by intense anger (such as in domestic violence or murder, for example the San Diego case of Betty Broderick). Or this can be the invulnerable type, who is detached, believes he is very superior and feels automatically entitled to special treatment.
Histrionic Personality Disorder also appears in family court, and may have similarities to BPD but with less anger and more chaos. Anti-social Personality Disorder includes an extreme disregard for the rules of society and very little empathy. (A large part of the prison population may have Anti-social Personality Disorder.)
Dependent Personality Disorder is common, but usually is preoccupied with helplessness and passivity, and is rarely the aggressor in court — but often marries a more aggressive spouse, sometimes with a personality disorder.
Cognitive Distortions and False Statement
Because of their history of distress, those with personality disorders perceive the world as a much more threatening place than most people do. Therefore, their perceptions of other people’s behavior is often distorted — and in some cases delusional. Their world view is generally adversarial, so they often see all people as either allies or enemies in it. Their thinking is often dominated by cognitive distortions, such as: all-or-nothing thinking, emotional reasoning, personalization of benign events, minimization of the positive and maximization of the negative. They may form very inaccurate beliefs about the other person, but cling rigidly to those beliefs when they are challenged — because being challenged is usually perceived as a threat.
People with personality disorders also appear more likely to make false statements. Because of the thought process of a personality disorder, the person experiences interpersonal rejection or confrontation much more deeply than most people. Therefore the person has great difficulty healing and may remain stuck in the denial stage, the depression stage, or the anger stage of grief — avoiding acceptance by trying to change or control the other person.
Lying may be justified in their eyes — possibly to bring a reconciliation. (This can be quite convoluted, like the former wife who alleged child sexual abuse so that her ex-husband’s new wife would divorce him and he would return to her — or so she seemed to believe.) Or lying may be justified as a punishment in their eyes. Just as we have seen that an angry spouse may kill the other spouse, it is not surprising that many angry spouses lie under oath. There is rarely any consequence for this, as family court judges often believe the truth cannot be known — or that both are lying.
Projection
Just as an active alcoholic or addict blames others for their substance abuse, those with personality disorders are often preoccupied with other people’s behavior while avoiding any examination of their own behavior. Just as a movie projector throws a large image on a screen from a hidden booth, those with personality disorders project their internal conflicts onto their daily interactions — usually without knowing it. All the world is a stage — including court.
It is not uncommon in family court declarations for one with a personality disorder to claim the other party has characteristics which are really their own (“he’s manipulative and falsely charming” or “she’s hiding information and delaying the process”), and do not fit the other party. Spousal abusers claim the other is being abusive. Liars claim the other is lying. (One man who knew he was diagnosed with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder claimed his wife also had an NPD simply because she liked to shop.)
How Family Court Fits Personality Disorders
Family Court is perfectly suited to the fantasies of someone with a personality disorder: There is an all-powerful person (the judge) who will punish or control the other spouse. The focus of the court process is perceived as fixing blame — and many with personality disorders are experts at blame. There is a professional ally who will champion their cause (their attorney — or if no attorney, the judge). A case is properly prepared by gathering statements from allies — family, friends, and professionals. (Seeking to gain the allegiance of the children is automatic — they too are seen as either allies or enemies. A simple admonition will not stop this.) Generally, those with personality disorders are highly skilled at — and invested in — the adversarial process.
Those with personality disorders often have an intensity that convinces inexperienced professionals — counselors and attorneys — that what they say is true. Their charm, desperation, and drive can reach a high level in this very emotional, bonding process with the professional. Yet this intensity is a characteristic of a personality disorder, and is completely independent from the accuracy of their claims.
What Can Be Done
Judges, attorneys, and family court counselors need to be trained in identifying personality disorders and how to treat them. Mostly, a corrective on-going relationship is needed — preferably with a counselor. However, they usually must be ordered into this because their belief systems include a life-time of denial and avoidance of self-reflection.
Some courts may order up to one year of counseling for parents, if: “(1) The dispute between the parents or between a parent and the child poses a substantial danger to the best interest of the child. [or] (2)The counseling is in the best interest of the child.” Even short-term counseling can help.
Therapists, in addition to being supportive, need to help clients challenge their own thinking: about their own role in the dispute; about the accuracy of their view of the other party; and about their high expectations of the court. Further, therapists should never form clinical opinions or write declarations about parties they haven’t interviewed.
Likewise, attorneys need to also challenge their clients’ thinking and not accept their declarations at face value. More time should be spent educating them to focus on negotiating solutions, rather than escalating blame. The court should make greater use of sanctions under Family Code Section 271 for parties and attorneys who refuse to negotiate and unnecessarily escalate the conflict and costs of litigation.
The court must realize that the parties are often not equally at fault. One or both parties may have a personality disorder, but that does not necessarily mean both are offenders (violent, manipulative, or lying). A non-offending, dependent spouse may truly need the court’s assistance in dealing with the offender. The court should not be neutralized by mutual allegations without looking deeper. Otherwise, because of their personality style, the most offending party is often able to continue their offender behavior — either by matching the other’s true allegations for a neutral outcome, or by being the most skilled at briefly looking good and thereby receiving the court’s endorsement.
The court is in a unique position to motivate needed change in personal behavior. In highly contested cases, counseling or consequences should be ordered. Professionals and parties must work together to fully diagnose and treat each person’s underlying problems, rather than allowing the parties (and their advocates) to become absorbed in an endless adversarial process. Because their largest issues are internal, they will never be resolved in court.
Bill Eddy’s website is www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
Ralph D asked:
I realize that the yahoo personals are not for me at this time.I tried everything I could to unscribe!Nothing worked.
I realize that the yahoo personals are not for me at this time.I tried everything I could to unscribe!Nothing worked.
Gray Smith asked:
PERSONAL LOANS: personal loans are like nectar in the financial problems. When credit weighs heavy on your shoulders, you can use personal loans and can get up to $10,000 with in few hours after applying. Personal loans are the best solution of financial problems; even your bad credit history can not prevent you to get the cash. Lenders or personal loan provider companies do not require any collateral or security bond to provide the loan amount. Personal loans means loan which can be used in personal financial problems. If you have no any source of cash to solve financial problems because financial problems come with out any previous warning and at that time you need cash so you try to look for the cash and cash became a Herculean task for you. At that time you need not depend on your friends and relatives you require funds. Personal loans are there to take care of all your financial demands.
You can use personal loans as you want to use. For debt consolidation personal loans will be a great advantage for you, planning for the vacation and home improvement or for purchase of durable goods can be good option of use the personal loans. You can also use personal loans to pay your medical bills, plan your marriage. So, like these reasons you have your own reason to take personal loans and make merry with personal loans. You can say personal loans will be a boon for you in the financial emergencies.
Borrower calls personal loans one loan and a lot of uses or multipurpose loans providing you all the freedom to use funds in any manner you want. The lender is not concerned with the purpose of the loan. If you are in financial mess and need some funds without any restriction over their use then personal loans are the best option. There are many financial websites lenders or companies that provide you assistance in arranging personal loans. You can get personal loans at very competitive rates since the US financial market and Federal Reserve Bank has cut of their interest rates so you will never feel your self disappointed after getting the personal loans.
Personal loans can be broadly classified into secured and unsecured loans. The basic difference between these two types of loans is the requirement of collateral. Secured personal loans require collateral whereas unsecured personal loans do not.
You can use personal loans also in big amount and with it also want to pay personal loans in long repayment process with lower interest rates. If your credit history is not good and even you want cash but you can not demand cash due to your credit history then you can apply for the personal loans as personal loans will provide you full response in the financial emergencies. So at last if you want to get any type of loans than first of all read the terms and process systems of loan lenders or companies care fully and collect all the information about the history of the lenders than apply for the loan and you will never find your self in difficulties in future. For
PERSONAL LOANS there are few requirements. You must be not younger than 18. Your income or salary must be more than $1000. You must be a checking account at least 6 months of old. Residential proof. You have to fill up an online application form and rest of the work will be completed by the experts of the company or the lenders.
PERSONAL LOANS: personal loans are like nectar in the financial problems. When credit weighs heavy on your shoulders, you can use personal loans and can get up to $10,000 with in few hours after applying. Personal loans are the best solution of financial problems; even your bad credit history can not prevent you to get the cash. Lenders or personal loan provider companies do not require any collateral or security bond to provide the loan amount. Personal loans means loan which can be used in personal financial problems. If you have no any source of cash to solve financial problems because financial problems come with out any previous warning and at that time you need cash so you try to look for the cash and cash became a Herculean task for you. At that time you need not depend on your friends and relatives you require funds. Personal loans are there to take care of all your financial demands.
You can use personal loans as you want to use. For debt consolidation personal loans will be a great advantage for you, planning for the vacation and home improvement or for purchase of durable goods can be good option of use the personal loans. You can also use personal loans to pay your medical bills, plan your marriage. So, like these reasons you have your own reason to take personal loans and make merry with personal loans. You can say personal loans will be a boon for you in the financial emergencies.
Borrower calls personal loans one loan and a lot of uses or multipurpose loans providing you all the freedom to use funds in any manner you want. The lender is not concerned with the purpose of the loan. If you are in financial mess and need some funds without any restriction over their use then personal loans are the best option. There are many financial websites lenders or companies that provide you assistance in arranging personal loans. You can get personal loans at very competitive rates since the US financial market and Federal Reserve Bank has cut of their interest rates so you will never feel your self disappointed after getting the personal loans.
Personal loans can be broadly classified into secured and unsecured loans. The basic difference between these two types of loans is the requirement of collateral. Secured personal loans require collateral whereas unsecured personal loans do not.
You can use personal loans also in big amount and with it also want to pay personal loans in long repayment process with lower interest rates. If your credit history is not good and even you want cash but you can not demand cash due to your credit history then you can apply for the personal loans as personal loans will provide you full response in the financial emergencies. So at last if you want to get any type of loans than first of all read the terms and process systems of loan lenders or companies care fully and collect all the information about the history of the lenders than apply for the loan and you will never find your self in difficulties in future. For
PERSONAL LOANS there are few requirements. You must be not younger than 18. Your income or salary must be more than $1000. You must be a checking account at least 6 months of old. Residential proof. You have to fill up an online application form and rest of the work will be completed by the experts of the company or the lenders.
Hilly B asked:
i mixed and my personal opnion is that mixed people are the most best looking people in the world i waswatching the tyra show about light skinned people and another thing im mixed and alot of black guys like me why do you think that is???
i mixed and my personal opnion is that mixed people are the most best looking people in the world i waswatching the tyra show about light skinned people and another thing im mixed and alot of black guys like me why do you think that is???
jordanjin14 asked:
The prompt is: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
The prompt is: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
Diversity is a very important aspect of life. Diversity is the understanding that each individual is unique, and that everyone has their own individual differences. In the United States, where society is always increasingly multicultural, diversity is important. People have differences of ethnicity, religion, race, socioeconomic classes, gender, sexual orientation, and/or physical ability. If we are not aware of these differences, prejudice grows. I feel that by being diverse ourselves, we can get along better with each other. Diversity is especially important in school because it allows students to have a greater respect for those who have different beliefs or points of views than themselves. This encourages the exchange of ideas, which overall enriches the student body as a whole. Furthermore, this opens minds to new experiences, which greatly help students with college in the future.
I never understood the importance of diversity until I started to attend O’Dea High School. Since O’Dea is the only all-boys Catholic high school in Washington, I figured that most of the students would be “jocks” and would only care about sports. After a few weeks as a freshman, I realized that I was totally wrong. During freshman orientation, I was overwhelmed with the various clubs and activities that I could join. There was so many that interested me that I could not decide which one to join! I was also overwhelmed with the different kinds of students I met. Every day I learned from the people who surrounded me without even realizing it. I learned how they were raised, their cultures, and their beliefs and ideals. I felt as the years went by, everyone mixed together. All the cliques, racial differences, and stereotypes seemed to disappear. Barriers melted away, and everyone meshed together. I feel that diversity will help me adapt to the world much more easily. I believe that it will prepare me for life by making me more tolerant, compassionate, and less ethnocentric and narrow-minded. I value diversity because it helps me understand the real world, not just the neighborhood where I grew up.
What do you think? I don’t think it is long enough, but what should I add? Thanks!
Tahira Hussain asked:
The term ‘Personality’ is quiet well-known for all. A person is an embodiment of distinctive traits of mind and behavior. Personality is actually the condition or quality of being a person, the extract of qualities and traits of a character or a collective character, behavioral, temperamental, emotional, and mental traits of a person: A brief definition would be that personality is made up the characteristic patterns of thoughts, feelings, reactions and behaviors that make a person. The individuality of a person or distinctive personal character is what actually a personality describes.
Personality consists two parts inner-personality and outer-personality. Inner personality contains psychological aspects , habits ,thinking, mental state of a person. Whereas, the outer-personality is the impression created. outer-personality is greatly influenced by the inner-personality, self-confidence, talents and capabilities of an individual.
A strong outer-personality is a blessing of GOD. A confident person with strong personality is most often found to be a successful one. Outer-personality however works in both constructive and destructive manner. It’s dependant on a person what kind of image and impression is created on others. The famous quote has came across by all of us a number of times “Action speaks louder than words” but as we come to know the actual importance of personality it would not be wrong to quote “Personality says it all”.
Being a successful individual, personality is to be worked out and to work for the improvement of personality knowing your personality type is most significant. To know your personality visit http://www.personality100.com/.
Self-development considers a strong personality development essentially.
The term ‘Personality’ is quiet well-known for all. A person is an embodiment of distinctive traits of mind and behavior. Personality is actually the condition or quality of being a person, the extract of qualities and traits of a character or a collective character, behavioral, temperamental, emotional, and mental traits of a person: A brief definition would be that personality is made up the characteristic patterns of thoughts, feelings, reactions and behaviors that make a person. The individuality of a person or distinctive personal character is what actually a personality describes.
Personality consists two parts inner-personality and outer-personality. Inner personality contains psychological aspects , habits ,thinking, mental state of a person. Whereas, the outer-personality is the impression created. outer-personality is greatly influenced by the inner-personality, self-confidence, talents and capabilities of an individual.
A strong outer-personality is a blessing of GOD. A confident person with strong personality is most often found to be a successful one. Outer-personality however works in both constructive and destructive manner. It’s dependant on a person what kind of image and impression is created on others. The famous quote has came across by all of us a number of times “Action speaks louder than words” but as we come to know the actual importance of personality it would not be wrong to quote “Personality says it all”.
Being a successful individual, personality is to be worked out and to work for the improvement of personality knowing your personality type is most significant. To know your personality visit http://www.personality100.com/.
Self-development considers a strong personality development essentially.